A Staircase To Stephen

Performed by my husband at the Dog & Duck Karaoke Final - with sincere apologies to Led Zeppelin

There’s a lady who makes me Spam fritters of gold,
And she’s climbing the staircase to Stephen.
When she gets here I know, if the door isn’t closed,
With her brolly, she’s going to get even.

Ooh, ooh and she’s climbing that staircase to Stephen.

There’s three ducks on the wall but she wants to be sure,
‘Cause she knows sometimes birds have two meanings.
I just lie here and wait, contemplating my fate
Hoping all of my crimes are forgiven

Ooh, but she makes me wander
Ooh, if only she were blonder

There’s a feeling I get when I take off my vest
And I know that my dander’s up for it
In the dark she has seen something poke through the sheets
But she stands there and tries to ignore it

Ooh, and it makes me wonder
Ooh, if she were ten years younger

If she blew my bassoon, then we’d both be in tune
And the bedroom would echo with laughter
Then a new day would dawn when we woke on the lawn
And we’d live happily ever after

If there’s a woman in the wardrobe, don’t be alarmed now,
She’s just there looking for her brother
Yes, there are two more on the landing, a misunderstanding
We thought you’d gone to see your mother
What a dreadful blunder

My wife’s succumbing and she won’t go, as if I don’t know
Her Stephen’s calling her to join him
Dear Edna, can you shut the window ’cos did you know
Your hairdo flies in the whistling wind?

And as we wander down life’s road
Her shadow’s shorter than before
There walks a lady, very slow
With faded sight and hair like snow
Her hearing aid is running low
But if she listens very hard
That tune will come to her again
As soon as she has had her op, yeah
To have a hip and not to hop . . .

And she’ll be riding that stairlift to Stephen . . .


from How To Have An Almost Perfect Marriage by Mrs Stephen Fry amzn.to/OLfAfB