How the Frynch Stole Twitmas

Every Twit down in Twitville
Liked Twitter a lot,
But the Frynch,
Who lived just North of London,
Did NOT!

The Frynch hated Twitter!
The whole Twitmas season.
Now please don’t ask why,
No-one quite knows the reason.

It could be his laptop
Wasn’t plugged in quite right,
It could be perhaps
That his pants were too tight.

But I think the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his dongle was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason,
His dongle or pants,
He stared at the screen,
Having one of his rants.

‘They’re tweeting their greetings!’
He started to shake.
‘Tomorrow is Twitmas,
This is too much to take!’

Then he growled, with his Frynch fingers nervously drumming,
‘I MUST find a way to keep Twitmas from coming!’

For tomorrow he knew all those twittering nerds,
Would wake bright and early, like little blue birds
And the words! The words! Oh, the words, words, words, words!
That’s the thing that he hated! The WORDS, WORDS, WORDS, WORDS!

For the Twits young and old would sit down on their seats,
And they’d tweet. And they’d tweet. And they’d TWEET, TWEET, TWEET, TWEET!

And the more the Frynch thought of this whole Twitmas row,
The more the Frynch thought, ‘I must stop Twitter now!
Why for more than three years, I’ve put up with this crap.
I must stop Twitter from working - Asap!’

Then he got an idea!
A devilish idea!
More devilish than anything got in Ikea!

And he grabbed some bin bags
And some old empty cases,
(He just couldn’t wait
To see all their Twit faces!)

And off, with a smirk, that naughty Frynch crept,
To the place where he knew all those silly Twits slept.
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile like a snadget,
Around the whole town, and he took every gadget!

He took all the mobiles, he took the PCs,
He took all the internet-ready TVs.
He took the computers, he took the laptops,
He took the iPhones, the iPads and iPlops.

And when he had grabbed all the items above,
He started to take other things the Twits love,
He took all their LOLs and their LMAOs,
He stole their hash tags from their little hash toes.

He snatched their Retweets and their mentions and then
He snaffled the Trending Topics Top Ten.
He kidnapped their followers, erased their Dms.
They all went in his sack, which he threw in the Thames.

Then he sat on the bank and he nervously waited,
With his lip fully bit and his breath fully bated
Until the sun rose. But then the Frynch frowned,
‘They’re just waking up . . . but what is that strange sound?’

All the Twits down in Twitville, the princes and bums
Were talking - without a device near their thumbs!
They chatted, they laughed, they guffawed and they chortled,
They sang and they shouted, they sniffed and they snortled.

The butchers, the bakers, the students and tourists,
The housewives, the bankers, the fish pedicurists,
The teachers, the stalkers, the geeks and the druids,
They actually met and swapped bodily fluids!

And the Frynch heard this sound, this unheard-of kerfuffle,
And he frowned and he blinked and he started to snuffle.

He HADN’T stopped Twitmas from coming!

It CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

The Frynch groped for hours, ‘till his dongle was sore.
Then the Frynch thought of something he hadn’t before!
‘Maybe Twitter,’ he thought, ‘doesn’t come from a phone.
‘Maybe Twitter . . . perhaps . . . has a life of its own?’

And what happened then . . . ?
Well, in court they did say
That the Frynch’s small dongle
Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his dongle had started to swell,
He looked at the gadgets and cried ‘Bloody Hell,
What a silly old git!’ and he fell to the floor,
What a nitwit-tit-git I have been, that’s for sure!’

And ashamed and aroused, he went back to the town,
Dongle proudly erect but his head hanging down.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘But could you, at a pinch,
Bear to forgive me, this silly old Frynch?’

And the Twits took one look at this figure forlorn,
With his chin on his chest and his confidence torn,
‘Well, it’s true’ they replied, ‘that we do need some closure.‘
So they jailed him for theft and indecent exposure.


From How To Have An Almost Perfect Marriage by Mrs Stephen Fry amzn.to/OLfAfB  Happy Christmas, dears! x x x

A Staircase To Stephen

Performed by my husband at the Dog & Duck Karaoke Final - with sincere apologies to Led Zeppelin

There’s a lady who makes me Spam fritters of gold,
And she’s climbing the staircase to Stephen.
When she gets here I know, if the door isn’t closed,
With her brolly, she’s going to get even.

Ooh, ooh and she’s climbing that staircase to Stephen.

There’s three ducks on the wall but she wants to be sure,
‘Cause she knows sometimes birds have two meanings.
I just lie here and wait, contemplating my fate
Hoping all of my crimes are forgiven

Ooh, but she makes me wander
Ooh, if only she were blonder

There’s a feeling I get when I take off my vest
And I know that my dander’s up for it
In the dark she has seen something poke through the sheets
But she stands there and tries to ignore it

Ooh, and it makes me wonder
Ooh, if she were ten years younger

If she blew my bassoon, then we’d both be in tune
And the bedroom would echo with laughter
Then a new day would dawn when we woke on the lawn
And we’d live happily ever after

If there’s a woman in the wardrobe, don’t be alarmed now,
She’s just there looking for her brother
Yes, there are two more on the landing, a misunderstanding
We thought you’d gone to see your mother
What a dreadful blunder

My wife’s succumbing and she won’t go, as if I don’t know
Her Stephen’s calling her to join him
Dear Edna, can you shut the window ’cos did you know
Your hairdo flies in the whistling wind?

And as we wander down life’s road
Her shadow’s shorter than before
There walks a lady, very slow
With faded sight and hair like snow
Her hearing aid is running low
But if she listens very hard
That tune will come to her again
As soon as she has had her op, yeah
To have a hip and not to hop . . .

And she’ll be riding that stairlift to Stephen . . .


from How To Have An Almost Perfect Marriage by Mrs Stephen Fry amzn.to/OLfAfB

Modern British Baby Names - an A to Z

Choosing a name for your child can be one of the most important decisions you will make as a couple. It can shape their personality, their career, even their gender. To help you and your partner with this potentially life-shaping choice, here's an alphabetical list Stephen and I drew up before naming most of our children (I‘m sure you‘ll be able to work out which ones are Stephen‘s).

M = Male, F = Female, M/F = Male or Female


A - Anaglypta (F), Anakin (M), Anon (M/F), Aslan (M)


B - Bazza (M), Beelzebub (M), Beelzebubbles (F), Beowulf (M), Bilbo (M), Boba (M)


C - Chav (M/F), Chumbawumba (F), Cialis (F)


D - Dazza (M), Dappy (M), Darth (M), Dopey (M)


E - Edna (F), Ella-Ella-Ella (F), Elvis (M)


F - Fender (M), Ferrero (M)


G - Gazza (M), George-at-asda (M), Google (M/F), Gromit (M)


H - Hadron (M), Han (M), Haribo (M), Hoodie (M/F)


I - Ibiza (F), Ike (M), Ikea (F), Innit (M), Innita (F)


J - Jabba (M), Jar-jar (M), Jedward (M), Jenga (F) Jojoba (F)


K - Kajagoogoo (M), Kebab (M), Kebabs (F), Kerplunk (M), Korma (F), Kylie (F)


L - Lambrini (F), Leia (F), Lenor (M), Lenora (F) Lidl (M), Limahl (M), Lol (M), Luke (F)


M - Masala (F), Mega (M), Megan (F)


N - N’Dubz (M), N’Dubya (F) Neo (M) , Nutella (F)


O - Omg (M)


P - Persil (M), Primark (M), Primula (F)


Q - Qui-Gon (M), Qwerty (M), Qwerta (F)


R - Reebok (M), Rocky, Rocky 2, Rocky 3, Rocky 4, Rocky 5 (all M) Rofl (M)


S - Sambucca (F), Shaft (M), Shazza (F), Skeletor (M), Skye (F), Skye Plus (F), Samantha (F), Spartacus (M), Spongebob (M), Stan (M), Stannah (F), Stella (F), Supermario (M), Susudio (?)


T - TK Maxx (M), T-Rex (M), Tickle-me-Elmo (M), Tickle-me-Rihanna (F) Tomtom (M), Towie (M/F), Tron (M)


U - Ultravox (M), Urethra (F)


V - Van Halen (M), Veneria (F), Viagra (F), Vileda (F), Vinaigrette (F)


W - Walliam (M), Walmart (M), Wazza (M)


X - X-Box (M/F), Xena (F)


Y - Yakult (M/F)


Z - Zafira (F), Zinfandel (M), Zinfandella (F), Zod (M), Zumba (F)

This is an extract from How To Have An Almost Perfect Marriage                            amzn.to/OLfAfB

How To Make An Almost Perfect Wedding Cake

The true star of any wedding reception is the cake. It should stand proudly on the top table, a resplendent icing-covered monument to your hopes and dreams. And standing atop this marzipan monolith, a tiny bride and groom, or in our case a subbuteo player and a cocktail stirrer.

                                         

The traditional wedding cake, a sturdy fruit cake designed to last decades, has, in recent years, given way to a number of more edible variations including chocolate fudge cake, éclair pyramids and even bizarre meringue-based structures. The following recipe has been in my family for generations - it was handed down to me by my mother, who in turn was given it by her mother, who was given it by her mother, who copied it out of a book.


                      Wedding Cake Recipe

                                               Ingredients

800 grams of flour

Half a dozen eggs

Two cups of dried fruit

The zest of three oranges

One cup of understanding

Two spoonfuls of love

A gallon of patience

A dash of forgiveness

A hint of desperation

A handful of crushed dreams

150 grams of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

A bag of nerves, grated

One big disappointment (bitter)

                                            Method

Mix ingredients together in a large, empty container for several years until any zest has completely disappeared. Place in an un-preheated oven, together with your head, for as long as it takes.

Serves:  you right. You should have listened to your mother.

Alternatively, get a nice Victoria sponge from the Co-op.



                         from How To Have An Almost Perfect Marriage by Mrs Stephen Fry
                                                            http://amzn.to/OLfAfB

How to Propose to Your Loved One

Asking a loved one, or anyone, to marry you can be a traumatic business - this is why we women generally leave it to the man. I can remember Stephen proposing to me as if it were yesterday - no matter which medication I try. I can still see him now, on that empty, moonlit street, getting up on one knee and uttering those immortal words ‘Edna, my darling. I love you more than anything in the world. Would you do me the enormous honour of consenting to carry me home. You’re my best mate, you are.’

Granted, it wasn’t a conventional proposal (like so many men, Stephen finds it difficult to express himself where matters of the heart are involved - or after twelve pints of Stella) but I knew exactly what he meant, the dear romantic soul. Having said that, it still came as a bit of a surprise, as up to that point the most romantic question he’d asked me was ‘have you done with those chips?’. In fact, I think Stephen even surprised himself, feigning complete ignorance the following morning - he’s such a tease. He even claimed he hadn’t bought me an engagement ring, the big silly. As it turned out, he hadn’t, but a girl can’t have everything and I knew he would get me one as soon as he could afford it. For now, our love was enough. For now . . .

Of course, there are additional pressures should you and your partner happen to be a celebrity couple like Stephen and myself (although admittedly, I’m the only actual celebrity - Stephen’s just my trophy husband. Not as in the World Cup or Wimbledon, you understand - more like one of those plastic Oscars you can purchase from fancy dress shops). Television news programmes still regularly replay the sadly prophetic words spoken by HRH Prince Charles on the occasion of his first engagement. When asked ’Do you love Diana?’ his famous, somewhat hesitant response was ‘Of course . . . whatever love is‘.

By contrast, Stephen was far more forthright at our engagement party when somebody asked him ’Do you love Edna?’. ‘Of course!’ he announced, wildly waving a bottle of champagne in the air, ’. . . whoever Edna is.’

              from How To Have An Almost Perfect Marriage by Mrs Stephen Fry
                                                       http://amzn.to/OLfAfB

How Perfect Is Your Marriage?

Do you and/or your partner imagine you have an almost perfect marriage? If so, just answer the following multiple choice questions as honestly as possible and we'll see whether you're right or living in cloud cuckoo land . . . 

                                         His Questions

1. When was the last time you forgot your wife’s birthday?

a) I never forget her birthday – the date is etched eternally on my heart, together with our wedding anniversary, the day we first met and her shoe size.

b) I only once forgot her birthday but I never will again. Luckily, the surgery was a success.

c) I know when Elvis was born – does that count?



2. Your wife has bought a new dress but looks terrible in it. What do you say to her when she asks how she looks?

a) Gorgeous, darling, as always.

b) I’m not sure it shows off your amazing figure to its very best, my sweet.

c) Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahaahahahaha



3. At a party, you notice a good-looking man eyeing up your wife. What do you do?

a) Nothing. Just feel proud that he’s noticed how attractive she is.

b) Give him a dirty look and steer her towards the vol-au-vents.

c) Ask if he’s ever considered laser eye surgery.



4. Your wife wants you to go with her to the cinema this evening to see the latest Hollywood romantic comedy. What do you do?

a) You go along with her to watch it. The most important thing to you is that she’s happy, even if it is inane, shallow drivel.

b) You agree to go but pop out in the afternoon and set fire to the cinema.

c) You agree to go but pop out in the afternoon, set fire to the cinema and frame your wife for it.



                                     Her Questions

1. How on earth do you manage to put up with him?


                        from How To Have An Almost Perfect Marriage by Mrs Stephen Fry
                                                        http://amzn.to/OLfAfB

How to Have an Almost Perfect Hallowe'en

Stephen’s favourite holiday is undoubtedly Hallowe’en. He loves the fantasy, the mythology and the fact that he doesn’t have to wear anything special. Very often, we’ll spend the entire night watching back-to-back horror movies, starting with something slightly scary such as the original Frankenstein or Alvin and the Chipmunks before building up to stronger fare like The Exorcist and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and ending with our wedding video.

My special Spam Pumpkin - the Spumkin!

As well as our horrorthon, we sometimes host our own Hallowe’en party. It’s a wonderful opportunity to see old friends wearing ludicrous costumes although some make more effort than others. Stephen usually just puts a pillowcase over his head. He can’t even be bothered to cut out eyeholes. He just spends the evening bumping into things and falling over, so he doesn’t even bother to behave any differently than usual, either.

If, unlike Stephen, you want to make a bit of effort, you can make your own costume or hire one from a fancy dress shop - here’s a list of the most popular Hallowe’en costumes, rated from one to ten in order of scariness.

1 Ghost

2 Witch

3 Vampire

4 Werewolf

5 Frankenstein

6 Frankenstein’s monster

7 The Duracell Bunny (well, it scares Stephen)

8 Flying Monkey

9 Piers Morgan

10 Flying Piers Morgan


                               extract from How To Have An Almost Perfect Marriage

                                                    http://amzn.to/OLfAfB