Mrs Fry's Indispensable Guide to Twitter

Hello again, dears. So many people have come up to me in the street recently, asking, Edna, what is this Twitter malarkey that you're queen of ? So, in order to answer them and any newcomers to the Wonderful World of Twitter, I've written a brief but indispensable guide. If you also know someone in need of my very own particular brand of wisdom, send them along. There's plenty of tea for everyone. x


1 What Is Twitter?

Twitter is a social networking or mini-blogging site. It is named after the great novelist T.W.Itter (not be mistaken for T.W.Athead or T.Winnedwiththegermantownofdusseldorf), author of the classic whodunnit 'The Vicar Crack'd', in which the murder is committed by all 140 characters.

2 OK. I'm on Twitter. What now? I feel a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.

Don't worry. When you first join, Twitterworld can seem a very daunting place, a bit like that forest in the Wizard of Oz or a Take That concert. In fact Twitter is a veritable Narnia filled with a cornucopia of fascinating and unlikely mythical characters such as Horny Kitty, Barack Obama and Lily Allen.

3 Who are these followers? Why don't I have many?

Don't panic. The number of followers, or stalkers as I prefer to call them, you have is only an indication of your popularity. For example, Britney Spears has over two million whereas Josef Fritzl not so many. If you have very few followers the chances are that it's only because you're a bit dull.

4 What do these strange words mean? ROFLMAO and LOL?

Twitter has its own special language. To translate it you can either seek out an ancient artefact known as the Rosetta email, or simply read on . . .

LOL - an acronym standing for Leaning On Lamp-post, meaning the writer is either George Formby or Marlene Dietrich. Probably best to find out which before engaging them in a conversation about ukeleles.

OMG - Ogling Mike Gatting, meaning the writer is either a cricket fan or gets turned on by plump, bearded men in woollen jumpers.

PMSL - Pleasuring My Self Lightly, meaning the writer finds your message particularly interesting.

LMAO - Let My Auntie Out - a very specific, urgent message.

ROFLMAO - Room's On Fire. Let My Auntie Out - an even more specific and urgent message.

5 How Do I Know Who is Real and Who is Fake?

That's easy. In actual fact, there are only five real people on Twitter. These are me, of course, my lazy good-for-nothing husband (although very little of what he writes is real), Ashton Kutcher, Horny Kitty and someone else who writes all the other tweets, believed to be broadcaster and naturalist David Attenborough. If you're still unsure, you can also look for the 'Verified Account' sign on people's profiles, although the 'o' may be missing from Mr Kutcher's.

6 What Are Twitpics?

Twitpics are the electronic equivalent of a long Sunday afternoon with your grandmother, being forced to look through voluminous, dusty photograph albums at pictures of people you've never met or have the slightest interest in, and feeling obliged to make positive comments about young faces only social services could love while slowly chewing your way through an enormous portion of long out of date ginger cake.

7 So What Are Retweets?

Retweets are a little like Columbo. Entertaining and amusing at first, but very quickly becoming irritating as you realise it's just the same thing over and over again.

8 Why Has a Huge Whale Appeared on My Screen?

This is the special Twitter warning screen. It's shown exclusively to users who have exceeded their monthly time limit on Twitter and as a result of such inactivity are in imminent danger of becoming morbidly obese.

9 So What Should I Do Now?

Run. Run away. While you still can. It's too late for me. Save yourself! Go!